Invisible
Last Thursday there was a cocktail hosted by my publishing house. I arrived there thirty minutes after the time prescribed for the invitation. In the small premises of VLB/Hexagone/etc. were crowded many people, obviously having drunk and eaten. Dishes continued to circulate. It was hot.
After greeting my press secretary, who was too busy serving people at the bar to really linger on my little person, I slipped into one of the rooms that were occasionally open. Lively conversations all around what I was, namely a silent picket, holding in one hand his glass of wine and, in the other, his quickly swallowed couch.
I hate these receptions because I don’t know anyone and since it is naturally difficult for me to take the first steps, I stay in my corner, right like a butler.
A lady approached me, very kindly, by the way. We talked for five minutes, then a friend arrived and the two locked themselves in a playful conversation to which I was not really invited. After thirty minutes of a solitary walk, I left, long before the editor’s speech. I was invisible when I arrived, I became totally invisible after my departure, quite sad all the same.
Most of the time, people are surprised when they say I am antisocial, that I have difficulty mixing with people. If I’m given a role at a party, I’m completely different. Yet I lose my temper in an evening when I know no one, unable to hold on to a conversation or an individual, too proud to approach others and face polite refusals. My case is not unique. The writer lady who approached me had a gift that I don’t have. She certainly had a hard time with me. She asked me if I knew this or that writer, and I had to tell her that I was not an expert in literature. What do you want to say to that? I have many qualities and conversations, but I also have the disadvantage of always wanting to talk about deep things, which bothers many people, who are already struggling with the hot potato that is existence.
In these kinds of meetings, there are too many authors, egos, and I am very ill-equipped to strut my stuff.
During my brief inspection of the site, I saw large posters of the covers of the most recent books published by VLB. Not mine, though. My book was not part of that hunt. I repeat, I am proud. My book had its little moment of glory, but not enough to take pride of place in the lobby. They can’t post everything either. That is not a problem. I’m probably the most invisible of the authors. I don’t get involved with them and, it must be said, I don’t think about writing all the time. I rarely read others too. I have read a lot, but now my gaze lingers on a ray of sunshine and I tend to shut my mouth.
For those who have acquired astrological knowledge, I could specify that I am entering a long Neptunian phase (Neptune square Mars, then conjunct Sun, these two "stars" being in square in the birth chart). A small definition is required:
During this period of time, you’ll face severe challenges to your sense of identity and be compelled to find your true purpose in life. This will often cause confusion as you question the path you’ve been on, and you may feel disillusioned with the more material side of your life. You want to experience more spiritual satisfaction in your work and may often feel defeated by the harshness of the material world. But you may experience this time in a different way. A new opportunity may suddenly appear that seems to represent the spiritual qualities you’re now looking for, and you may feel compelled to pursue this new path, whether or not you’re really prepared. While you have your eyes on the sky the ground beneath you will seem unstable, and you may have more difficulty handling your responsibilities and commitments. Other people may not understand your motives and question your decisions, but no one will be able to shake you from your idealistic cloud. You may experience more loss and it will be very difficult to build any concrete structures in your life. Resources seem to slip through your fingers and this is not the time to enter any business venture that’s »too good to be true”, or one that involves dealing with questionable people. You’re less discriminating now and more easily fooled by glorified promises and delusions of grandeur, and may even be tempted to deceive others or misrepresent your intentions. Your physical energy is extremely low and you may experience fatigue or a lack of direction and motivation. The positive aspect of this time is that it will also enhance your sensitivity and compassion for other people - just make sure you aren’t letting them take advantage of your good nature. If you can, it’s best to avoid making life-changing decisions until after this cycle has passed, when you’ll see the real meaning of your life more clearly. (Source)
This text resembles the sun photographed this morning, trapped in its clouds and dividing the sky with liquid features. It seems to me that I am experiencing exactly what astrologers predict. Everything is withering away without it being dramatic. My life is fine, even if there are still great uncertainties about my real ability to adjust to reality. I have no clear vision of what the future could be. When I try to sum it up, my vision becomes blurred as if my brain slowly dissolves into these sick states that transform you back to a child, a baby, an embryo, then nothing.
But I always look at that glow on the edge of my window. The sun is beautiful, big, today. Inside me, wide waves, sometimes calm, sometimes monstrous, elevate my thoughts, my imagination. This Neptune, on my Sun, all the Pisces born on March 2, 1959 have it at the same time as me. I still feel the call. Where should I take my mind? Which ship should I board? What if fate took care of choosing my boat, forcing me to row in unknown waters? What if my life ended like this? In the calm happiness of indifference? What if the big blur spreads in my blood, in my thoughts, in my neurons?
We’ll see, that’s the thing I have to tell myself. The only one, actually. I just have to keep walking, watching the sun dance with the shadows. Peace comes when you forget yourself.
That’s what it means to be Zen, I hear. But what else? I’m leaving in three weeks for Portugal, to meet a handsome man. Financially speaking, it was not yet time. There have been delays in resolving my finances (here, here, here, will the astrologers say). The sun is there right now. What will happen to my heart? I don’t fucking know. I close my eyes because, in any case, at the moment, everything is a passenger grey, a fog of interlocking traffic.
